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Stalked By Obsessed Toilet Paper Advertisements

There’s bound to be a new insulting toilet paper ad on the horizon.

   by Kimberly Ripley  2017

The advertising industry has done it again (and again) in full force.

They’ve managed to insult practically every adult that watches TV by insinuating that we—yes, I include myself in this—aren’t capable of wiping our own as*es.

You’ve seen the ads. You probably even fall within the category of those who see them, but no longer pay attention to them. You either flip channels while they’re on or you head to the kitchen to refill your coffee cup or grab a snack. But those who watch diligently are privy to something rather disgusting, but hidden within the guise of “cutesy” or animation.

I’m talking about toilet paper ads. Are they directed toward a mindset that nods their heads hypnotically, then travels while entranced, to the store to buy the intended brand? This leads to a question I’ve found disturbing for a long time.

Who isn’t buying toilet paper? Did any of you turn on the TV this morning, watch the local news, then see a bunch of animated bears wiggling their tushes and think, “Damn…I didn’t have to use my t-shirt (or perhaps my bathroom curtain) for that purpose?” Of course not.

Does anyone else find those Charmin bears to be a pain in the—well, you know. We’re on the topic of that body part, so we may as well keep it clean—after all, that’s the idea behind the ads.




Then there are those Cottonelle ads. The British lady has the audacity to ask people—actual human beings…not animated critters—how they feel after they “go to the baahhhhthroom.” She even asks children. One innocent face says she feels like a “shimmering mermaid” after wiping her butt with the advertised brand. A shimmering mermaid? Mermaids are half fish, for goodness sake. Do you honestly want anything in your nether regions smelling like fish?




The Cottonelle lady is finally off her insistence that those who’ve wiped their derrieres with her product are so clean they can “go commando.” Don’t you get it, people? She’s insinuating that without her product, you can’t properly take care of your own damn business! She even handed out bags for folks to tote their undies in these ads. Really? Who does this?




Quilted Northern isn’t as direct in its advertising insults, but still delivers stupidity in a very high form. They channel the thoughts of inanimate objects in the bathroom—a bird on the wallpaper; an abandoned action figure (Conductor Randy)--and insist they’re scarred for life after watching you—who of course uses their product—do your thing on the toilet.




I’m going to venture out on a limb here and say that every single human being reading this both buys and uses toilet paper—and furthermore knows how to do so with great precision. Why does the advertising industry think otherwise?

Surely there’s no way to kick the industry in their butts and protest by refusing to buy TP. Is there any way to combat the idiocy?

No. We need their product and they know that. But, come on. Could they please stop ass-uming (see the play on words here, people?) that we don’t know how to use it properly?

Last I checked, parents taught their kids this basic hygienic duty at a very young age. Practice makes perfect, and by the time they’re out of the single digits, most have mastered it successfully.

At least I think so. Am I the one who has it all wrong? Should I be doing something differently?

If so, I’m sure I’ll soon find out. There’s bound to be a new insulting toilet paper ad on the horizon, and I’ll be certain to become privy to its message.

In the meantime, I really am stocked up on the product. And I feel like I’ve more than mastered its usage.

How about you?

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